The 3 Stages of Language Learning (AND Romantic Relationships)

Contents

• Background

• Stage 1 - “The Romantic Stage”

• Stage 2 - “The Realistic Stage”

• Stage 3 - “The Secure Stage”
  

Background

I’ve always been fascinated with relationships.

Years ago I put out over 100 videos about relationships in a YouTube series called “Love Bound”.

This language post will be a bit of a crossover between Lingtuitive and Love Bound as relationships and language learning, believe it or not, actually have quite a bit in common.

My dear friend Pastor Bob Beeman (check him out on YouTube!) always talked about how a romantic relationship has 3 stages - The Romantic, The Realistic and The Secure Stage.

Being aware of them helps navigate a relationship and the expectations we need for each of these stages. Otherwise it’s very easy to give up.

As I have thought a lot about relationships and languages I’ve noticed that the 3 stages can be found in both a romantic relationship and in language learning.

One particular stage is where people are the most likely to quit. To stop learning the language. Or end the relationship.

If you make it to the last stage - the language is yours forever.

Just like your relationship is (barring anything unforeseen happening of course).

Keep reading if you want to find out which stage this is!

Stage 1 - “The Romantic Stage”

The romantic stage is a powerful stage. It’s a stage of intense passion and of discovery.

You’ve just met that special person. The fire to learn that language has just been kindled.

It’s the process or falling in love.

We can’t wait to get started in learning it and everything feels so new and fresh and we just feel unstoppable.

Motivation is flowing constantly at an all time high. Just as we can’t wait to learn more about the person we’ve fallen in love with - we can’t wait to learn more of the language.

It all feels magical and we’re on cloud 9. The world seems brighter. More colorful.

It’s a very powerful and important stage that gives us that initial push.

But it’s also quite a fickle stage as it’s not completely rooted in reality but rather in emotion.

Which is not a bad thing. It’s just how this particular stage works.

That passion is needed to push us outside of our comfort zone and go out of our way to change our lives to make room for that special person.

Or that language.

I don’t know about you but for me the process of learning a new language has been very much like falling in love. I certainly had that feeling with Cantonese and also Finnish when I started learning them.

The language feels like getting to know this person that you can’t wait to get to know better.

Because I’m not just learning a new language but it unlocks this brand new culture that I previously didn’t have access to. This culture that I’ve fallen in love with.

Stage 2 - “The Realistic Stage”

This stage is the toughest one and it’s definitely the most challenging stage out of the 3 (the 3rd one is the best).

I totally remember when I got into this stage with my wife.

All of a sudden we started seeing all the areas where we different. These differences were now a challenge rather than an adorable quality.

Things started getting more realistic and we saw each others’ flaws. There was a lot of friction.

Which is something we didn’t experience in the romantic stage when everything was just smooth sailing.

When you get to this stage in your language learning you are not seeing as quick gains as before.

It’s tough to know how to move forward and you’re wondering if you’re ever gonna learn this language. It just seems like progress is painfully slow.

You consider quitting. Breaking up the relationship. “Is this really what I want?”

While these might sound like negative things it’s actually an absolutely vital stage. And these are important questions to ask.

It’s the pivotal point where you decide if you want to fight for your relationship or move on.

If you’re gonna put in the time it takes to really achieve a good level in that language or if you’re gonna move on to other things.

Both are valid options.

If you’d like to get through the 2nd stage, the “struggling phase”, then you can check out my guide by clicking on the button below to see what methods, mindsets and resources will get you through it:

It can feel like this stage never ends but if you decide to stick with it and ride it out then what comes after is the most powerful stage.

And also the most fulfilling. Even more fulfilling than stage 1, as perfect as that stage might seem.

Stage 3 - “The Secure Stage”

The 1st stage is all about emotion while the 2nd stage is all about logic.

The 3rd one is about bringing these two together to form something very powerful.

This is when people decide to get married. To make a commitment.

You’ve sorted things that needed to be sorted out to make a decision. You’ve decided this is what you want.

In language learning I would call this stage “basic fluency” (equivalent to around a B2). There’s still a lot to learn but there’s a strong foundation there that you will continue to build on as you continue to use the language.

Once you get to this stage the language is now yours for the rest of your life.

You can take long breaks and you still won’t lose it (aside from maybe being a bit rusty).

If you quit learning the language at “The Realistic Stage” then you will, after some time, forget it more or less completely.

Many experienced language learners have experienced this.

The difference with love relationship is that you are married to one person, but with languages you can get to this place with several languages if you so desire.

This is the best stage because you’ve decided to commit to this person and share your life with them.

You get to experience what a deep meaningful relationship is all about. Something you wouldn’t have if you decided to go your separate ways (which is totally a valid option).

In your target language you can now have meaningful conversations with people and start to experience a bit what it’s like to be “one of them” in that culture.

You’re getting to reap the fruits of everything you have sown during the previous stage and it feels amazing.

You can consume books, media, podcasts, movies and really enjoy the language. You’re feeling “one” with the language in a sense.

It’s now part of who you are.

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Do you agree or disagree with these 3 stages? Let me know down below in the comments!